I Love These Scars: They Mean Everything To Me

Ever since I can remember I have been hearing "Him." The demon living in my head. More voices progressed as I got older. I have "the farmers", "the chatter", "the television", ect. It's like a crazy acid trip with no drugs. But, don't get me wrong I am sane. I am the sanest crazy person you will ever meet. If I didn't hear these voices and have these psychotic episodes I would just be Bipolar, not Schizoaffective. However, that's what I am and I have learned to accept it as a daily part of my life. I have my routine...wake up (when I sleep which is rare) take my adderall and prozac. Go to my weekly therapy appointments and psychiatrist appointments. Do my daily activities such as school, homework, hanging out with friends, texting, check my twitter and facebook...basically normal teenager activities. Then it's time for the numb to set in. I take my 10 mgs of abilify, 500 mgs of thorazine, and however much klonopin I can take without overdosing. Then I try to sleep. Most of the time I don't though.
Sometimes to release my anxiety or depression I cut my wrists. I like watching the blood run down my arm onto the bathroom floor. But, as title, I love these scars, they mean everything to me. They give me hope and despair. Knowledge and ignorance. Shame and pride. They are who I am, a stuggling soul looking for ways to express one's self. I express myself in my writing. I write music, poetry, and stories, but sometimes it's not enough. I have this urge to cut. I have attempted suicide numerous times. I get very depressed and hopeless about being "sick" for the rest of my life. But, I have come to realize that it just makes me more of an individual. It makes me who I am.
I do things without realizing what I am doing. I am very innocent to the point of almost being naive, but also have such introspect on the world and humans. I think I have special powers. I think everyone has the ability to tap into the deeper cognitive realms. Not like flying, people. But being able to be in touch with their own and others thoughts, for example. Sometimes my thoughts are so scattered and random, especially in crowded areas, that I KNOW I must be hearing other people's thoughts.

I have recently joined a psych forum for help and support where I wrote,

"I have been struggling with schizoaffective disorder for as long as I can remember. I started hearing "him" (the demon) at age 5. Slowly, but surely I started hearing other things from random chatter to "the farmers." I have attempted suicide 7 times. None of which have been successful, obviously. At first, I was diagnosed with ADHD, then depression with anxiety, then bipolar disorder, then they finally came to realize it was schizoaffective disorder. I am having trouble dealing with the fact that I have a life long illness that requires high doses of Thorazine, Abilify, Klonopin, Prozac and Adderall. I have all these illnesses combined into one category. I get severe ups and downs like Bipolar Disorder, severe depression, severe anxiety and agitation, I am an insomniac, I cut, I have ADD...It's so much to handle for one 19 year old girl. I see a therapist once a week and a psychiatrist every two weeks, but nothing seems to be helping. Even the meds don't get rid of all my symptoms. What should I do? Is anyone else suffering?"


One person replied and told me to excersise. BIG help. Thanks a lot. I know there are people out there with these feelings and symptoms, but where? Where can I find people to reach out to and have people reach out to me? It makes no sense. This disease is so prevalent yet there is nothing.


I lost my train of thought. ADD.


Will continue when it's not almost 4am.